letters to herself

I am not even going to bother addressing this to anyone, because I don't even think anyone other than me is going to read it, especially not someone who is sharing my body. Which, is odd to think about. But I don't know why I keep having memory losses once a month, and as I started to talk to my husband, the idea that we were two different people came up. He thinks he's Tony Stark, since he has the Iron Man suit this week. I personally have no idea who I would "be" in this scenario. Or I guess, I don't know who you are. I thought maybe Pepper Potts, since she's connected to Stark. Or maybe someone far more badass, someone with super strength or something. August suggested Maria Hill, but since she's totally useless in the movies and we are nothing alike, I wrote that off really fast. I also feel so strange writing this as if someone who isn't me will read this. As if I'm expecting a reply. I don't know.

But I think you are starting to influence who I am, and who I am becoming, and I don't like that. August says that maybe because I'm pregnant, that it's making me more susceptible to things, and maybe he's right. But if you're me, or rather, if I'm in your body, does this make Olivia your daughter? Does this mean she's not mine? Does this mean that I'm just living a fake life, while you're hidden away somewhere to be recovered once a month? That's not fair. It's not fair knowing that someone might be controlling me now. That someone who doesn't even know me is trying to ruin who I am, so that when I disappear completely, they can easily take over. This is worse than Invasion of the Body Snatchers, because this seems to be real and actually happening. I don't want you here, who ever you are. I want you to leave. I want you out of my body and I want you to stay away from me and my family. I fought hard for where I am, I fought hard for the life I have, the job I have, the family I have, and I will be fucking damned if I lose it all to someone trying to take over my life.

I told my husband that I want to do anything we can to purge you from our systems. That I want my own fucking life back as my own. Now that I know you're here, I can feel you changing me. Making me think different ways. Trying to manipulate me. You're causing arguments and fights, you're pushing people I care about away from me, you're ruining the life I have fought so hard for.

And what is it all for? So you can just make me disappear? I have spent half of my career disappearing, going undercover, living on the lam, and now that I am comfortable and happy, and I have a career where I don't need to hide, I am not giving this up. Whoever you are, I plan on fighting you every step of the way, because you are not going to win so easily. This life is mine. This body is mine. This child, growing inside of me, is mine. You are not taking anything away from me. For once in my life, I am going to be selfish.

So, this is a warning. You know, if anyone other than me reads this. You are being evicted. Get out of my body and my mind, or I will find a way to get you out for good. So please leave. The idea of my whole life being a lie is not something I can face right now, not when so many things are going right.

Please don't take this away from me. I'm begging you.

- Lisandra

Lisandra,

You're scared. I know that. I've been waiting for a year for something like this, and when I woke up I knew exactly where to find it. Why? Because I am you. I have your memories, your hopes, your fears, your emotions, because we are the same person. I'm just the part of you that has been hidden for a while. And I hate to tell you, but your husband (who is Tony Stark) was right. I'm Maria Hill. Hate to disappoint you. And yes, I'm aware of how useless I've been made to be in the films. I'm just as happy about it as you are. (Which is to say, not at all.)

But here is the thing: I'm not going anywhere. Because to get rid of me, is to get rid of you, and we are stuck together. Yes, I have been trying to influence you for the better, but when you fight against it, that's when the fights start. Being pregnant isn't helping either. Last month, you remember being terrified, but you don't remember why or what you did. This is because for some reason, you forget everything when I come to the forefront, and while sometimes I wish that didn't happen, this time I'm glad it did. Because you were hit hard by something terrible, and we almost lost everything because of it. Tony (or August) almost left us. You almost left him. The fear was strong and it was real, and it was painful. Painful enough that I still cannot think about it without getting emotional about it. So when you say that you are going to fight for everything, well I am too. Because that is the just the type of person that we are. I refuse to lose everything to big bad asshole guys in the sky trying to control us, and I refuse to let them take anything from us.

Notice how I keep saying "we" and "us" though. Lisandra, you're me. Your middle name is Maria. That is because of me, not because of your grandmother like you think. You have bonded more with your husband because of me, because of my connection to Tony and what we have been through together. (And yes, you also fight more because of that, Tony and I butt heads a lot, but the love there is strong. I know you understand that.) You and I have similar military training. We both love guns. We both have family members who do not always appreciate us, but we keep trying anyway because family is important. We are a lot more similar than you think we are. So, I'll be writing up a full history of who I am, so you can see just how similar we are.

I also need to tell you that there are people that you butt heads with, but that's because you are a strong personality. We are a strong personality. We expect the best from people, and maybe we set that expectation too high, and we bring ourselves to disappointment, but it is something we will learn to deal with. It's not easy living our two lives. You've had a history of things that only one person knows about, and I have a history of things that one person (or no one) knows about. Hardships have made us into the badass that we are today, and we need to own that. Accept that. And we need to work together.

I know that's the hardest thing to hear. "We need to work together." It's something that is said a lot these weeks, and right now we're fighting against things we can't see, or big 'villains', or fucking gemstones (don't get me started on that), and so everyone good and bad has to work together. You're going to be remembering being put in a lot of uncomfortable and awkward situations but just remember that we are doing what we have to make things right. Some of these situations will involve people you don't remember ever meeting. Some of these situations may involve family and friends, getting into heated conversations with them. We have always been selfless, never selfish, and while I personally believe we deserve to be selfish, considering everything that is going on now, that's not a luxury we can afford right now.

I want you to keep writing me, and I'll keep writing notes for you. Ask me questions, and I'll try to answer. Hell, I know you're going to think this is all an elaborate joke and someone is playing a trick on you. To prove that it's not a trick, I've left you a note. It's in the location where you've hidden all those letters and trinkets you been writing and holding onto since 2005. Since no one other than you knows where those are, you know I'm not making this up.

Be strong. Take care. And keep asking questions, because it's about time you started getting answers.

- Maria.